Monthly Archives: January 2017

5 quick tips on surrendering

Surrendering is typically viewed as a sign of defeat, a mark of failure, and a showing of weakness. But one must be willing to surrender – again and again – to stop unnecessary suffering, move forward, and lead an awakened life.

Here are 5 quick tips on surrendering: 

1.  Redefine surrender.  In war, the term surrender means giving up power to another upon demand or defeat. It’s no wonder it has negative connotations in everyday challenges and disputes. But what if surrender means gracefully facing the inevitable, avoiding undue harm, repairing damage, finding closure, and dropping a cause that is no longer worth struggling for?  Consider the many ways surrender can be an empowering choice before you dismiss it as an option for losers only.

2. Choose your battles wisely.  Stand up for yourself. Resist attacks. Stay true to your values. Don’t ever be a doormat. Just be prepared for backlash when you start meddling in someone else’s business, instead of minding your own. You can’t force others to change so they don’t bug you anymore. Surrender involves quitting an action that’s not working, getting comfortable with discomfort, letting go bit by bit of the things you don’t control, and staying open to a myriad of possibilities.

3. Notice when you are in resistance mode. Pay attention to how resistance manifests in your body.  Clenched fists? Jaw tension? Stiff neck?  Shallow breathing? Taking stock of what resistance feels like to you will help you determine when and where surrender is needed.

4. Release the toxic thoughts that arise when you surrender.  If you were taught to fight for what you want and to make things happen, it’s natural to think less of yourself when you allow events to unfold naturally. While deliberate effort is healthy, the need to control the results is rooted in fear. Surrendering, in fact, requires strong acts of courage. Once you acknowledge this as a basic truth, your thoughts about it will start to shift.

5. Realize that surrender can be a good thing, even when it doesn’t feel good.Despite what self-help gurus or spiritual circles might say, surrendering doesn’t always feel freeing, peaceful and blissful. It can often feel painful, terrifying and maddening. But after the sadness, rage or disappointment from relinquishment settles, you can make use of the new space, time and energy to engage in more fruitful activity. Trust the process. Trust your decision to move through it.

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Photo by: Rodger Evans

5 quick tips on responding

Responding appropriately to a core disagreement, unreasonable demand or hostile threat takes skill. The way you respond can have long-lasting effects on your relationships, reputation, and overall sense of peace. 

Here are 5 quick tips on responding:

1. Listen deeply.  Stay present — even when the fight, flight or freeze response has kicked in — to better assess the situation. Start with deep listening. When you’re constantly thinking about what you’re going to say while the speaker is talking, tuning out things you disagree with, and offering unsolicited advice, it’s hard to give an effective response. Watch your breath, allow mental chatter to come and go, and resist the urge to quell anxiety by resorting to an immediate, defensive response.

2. Seek clarification. Ask open-ended questions to build your understanding of the other person’s perspectives, fears, needs and wants.  Refrain from asking leading questions and initiating interrogations, which will escalate discord.

3. Aim for mutual benefiting, not winning.  Trying to convince the other person that you’re right is the goal of most arguments. But arguing your side or pointing out the flaws in the other’s position typically creates more distance. Strive for mutual understanding, instead of making ultimatums or engaging in manipulation. At the same time, it’s healthy to define, set and preserve your boundaries. If you truly cannot find common ground, it’s okay to walk away than fight a losing battle.

4. Let go of the outcome.  You do not control the receiver’s thoughts and feelings about what you say and how you say it, no matter the amount of deliberation that goes into it. What works with one person might not resonate with another. Stay true to your values in your response, but release your attachment to the desired result of your response.

5. Respond, instead of react. Pause, evaluate your options, and give a meaningful response, based on your needs, the other person’s needs, and the situation itself. Reacting according to your instincts, habits, and raw emotions is far less ideal than responding with a calm and clear mind. And sometimes the best response is not responding at all.

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Photo by: Tim Geers

5 quick tips on making mistakes

Fear of making mistakes can hold you back from creating something new, taking up a challenge, or reinventing your life. 

Here are 5 quick tips on making mistakes:

1. Be willing to make mistakes. Keeping a beginner’s mind allows you to explore possibilities, hone in on what works, and eventually build your expertise. There will be discomfort, hesitation and doubt. Let go of the struggle with all of that. Learn, adapt, and most of all, make room for mistakes. A confident, victorious finish can begin with a clumpy, first step.

2. Celebrate your mistakes. Yes, you can! Instead of tightening up and holding back, open up and give it your all, at the risk of making mistakes. Smile, make amends, and move on if you step on your partner’s toes while learning to dance, hit the wrong note as you play your solo piano piece, and flub your lines during rehearsal. Mistakes are key ingredients of true success.

3. Reflect on your mistakes. Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on and complaining about what went badly, but rather on what you learned from it. What critical piece of information did you gain? What unique insight came your way? How did the experience deepen your perspective? How will you apply the lessons next time?

4. Know that mistakes happen to the best of us.  In our culture of denial and blame, hardly anyone likes to ‘fess up about mistakes. But each and every one of us has made mistakes that caused big shifts or triggered small rifts. Even the experts aren’t immune to them.

5. Learn the difference between making a mistake and making a bad decision. Cutting yourself some slack doesn’t mean you get to put out sloppy work, blow your budget, and ignore reliable intel, and then call them “mistakes” to downplay the consequences. Cheating on your taxes, lying to your spouse, embellishing your qualifications, and backstabbing your colleague is not a mistake. It’s a choice. You got caught. Your bluff was called. Own up to it.

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Photo by: Nikita Lukianets